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Brandy's avatar

As someone who has been married 85% happily 15% rough times for 26 years, this is spot on. I didn't realize the risk thing until you said it, but it's so true! We've moved 16x, jumping into new adventures all over the place, have gone from poor to bankruptcy to upper middle-class throughout our marriage. It never mattered because we saw ourselves as partners in crime (not real crime, maybe) and we basically compete with each other to win the best spouse award because we are naturally competitive. Really enjoyed this. Sending to my son.

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Sarah's avatar

Several narratives/ideas are being pushed to the detriment of those attempting to form or maintain relationships:

1. Self-actualization (whatever that phrase is worth) or fulfilling ones potential is only possible either as a single or after a celebratory divorce in which one can "live their best life" free from the concerns or desires of another

2. Women's empowerment is achieved through getting men to do ones bidding and achieve the status of unquestioned and unchallenged supreme being, which, as you discuss, women don't actually want. What's the prize of having won a sniveling yes man who won't challenge me to better? (The minute Jamie from Outlander starts kowtowing to Claire she's hitting that time portal. And, to disclose, this was an area I had to wrap my head around to improve my own marriage)

3. The ideas associated with critical theories being incorporated into a relationshop between two people often results in an exhausting exercise in vigilant score keeping.

"A good partnership will fulfill needs and complete lives, but, like good cardiovascular health, these things come as a by-product of other activities that are not always easy or pleasant. You can’t buy romantic bliss off the shelf at the mate store. To get what you want, you must build the thing that can meet those needs: the team."

This is great and it stinks that the idea of changing or growing (with someone else in mind) is perceived as a subordinate act or proof that one doesn't have enough self-love. The same growth, empowerment, whatever buzz word is only worthy is it's done completely independent of others which is just bonkers.

Life is short and often shitty and peddling the idea that other people just get in the way of your good time is...cruel?

Thanks for another great article!

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